I’ve been plagued by visions and thoughts for days now that have been bringing me nearly to tears and I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s just due to hormones or could it be that I’m once again being oppressed by demonic entities? I really can’t say one way or the other and that alone is enough to reduce me to another level of hopelessness. I can only pray and pray some more and have faith that God will relieve me of this unpleasant burden in due time.
I thought I was past the time of unreasonable fear and inner bleakness. Things have been looking up for so long and yet now I am worried about losing my faith. Yet another reason for the tears that I am frequently forced to abate. I don’t feel like this all the time, but there are times, possibly when I am at my most vulnerable, though I don’t know why I would be more vulnerable at one moment than another, when I have trouble doing things that have come easily to me for some time now.
Prayer has changed for me. It used to come easily to me at any time, like God was sitting right beside me and all I had to do was just talk to Him and He wouldn’t just hear me among other voices, no, He was listening to just me. Now it’s like when I go to speak to Him at night He’s not there with me, but somewhere else and I’m speaking to Him through a phone’s receiver and I’m not sure that it’s all getting through to Him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doubting Him; I’m just doubting my own conviction and that is the most frightening thing I’ve ever experienced, I kid you not.
What’s scarier is that I don’t know why I’m doubting. My faith is strong and somewhere in the back of my mind I’m always aware of that. And I don’t understand how it is that I can doubt my own faith without doubting God and His existence; I just know that I do.
Now, about these things I’ve been disturbed by. For the past several days I’ve fallen victim to an incessant battering of images and daydreams, so to speak. I’m not sure enough of myself to call them visions, per se, as I’m not sure if they’re of my own mind or if they were influenced or implanted by a demonic entity, as I’m sure is entirely possible, all things considered. I used to be the plaything for a demon, possibly several of them, so what’s to say it hasn’t been waiting in the wings for me to have a weak moment that it can utilize to the best of its ability?
Images of officers coming to or calling my house wouldn’t seem too frightening. Calling my boyfriend’s house and the phone getting answered by his mother doesn’t sound threatening. Now consider them telling you that you’ll never hear from a loved one again and reconsider how scary those moments can be. Even my mom sitting down to have a talk with me is beginning to seem like an omen. What’s worse is that these daydreams never reveal quite how they died, so my mind is left to itself to come up with the most horrific scenarios it possibly can. And trust me, when you have a vivid imagination such as mine it can get ugly fast.
This is scaring me shitless and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t shake the feeling that my doubts and these daydreams are somehow connected, but I don’t know how. I have problems working with anything more than a two or three-step process, so I’m having trouble seeing exactly how it is that the pieces interlock. There’s something I’m not seeing and it’s driving me mad.
Writing about it helps a little, but what I really need is guidance. Straight from God or from a fellow believer, I’m not sure; I just need it. The problem is that I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I’m constantly doubting myself, so even if I really think that these things are connected, I’m always subconsciously convinced that it’s all in my head. Like I just made it all up to make myself think I was special, so that I would have something different from the rest of the world. It’s like I’m trying to convince myself that I’m just another grain of sand that’s trying to paint itself a brighter shade of beige, or a piece of gravel in the asphalt that wants to be on the strip that gets painted white instead of staying black. And because of that constant doubting I’m afraid to talk to people about it as though this is a serious matter because I’m not sure that it really is to begin with.
Honestly, I’m not sure what to do other than write about it. How am I supposed to tell if this is a problem of my own creation or if it’s actually demonic oppression at its finest? I wish I had the answer. For now I guess all I can do is keep praying and hope for a miracle.